At the beginning of this month I turned 26. I can’t believe that I have been walking around, living my life, making decisions everyday, going to school to further my education, trying to survive some days, and having every emotions imagined for 26 years. I want to believe that each day I have learned something new, and that I have been able to grow from every experience given to me. But I don’t know if that is necessarily true. Some days I get home, and I am laying in bed and I begin to question my life. The choices that I have made, the moments in my life where I went left instead of right, maybe I should have gone straight instead. Isn’t it crazy how one choice you make could make such a huge change in your life? What if I did something wrong in the past that will surface years in the future, and it will make my life completely different?…. I want to believe that everything happens for a reason. I have been told by my friends that I always look for the sliver lining in life. That I believe that the glass is half full. Yes, I understand that it could be cheesy to restate those ideas, but sometimes being a little cheesy puts a huge smile on my face and lifts my spirit. But how can I really believe that I have never questioned my past choices in my life…..
My life is changing. Not just oh I finally got my own apartment and I am living on my own, but I am graduating in May with an educational degree. I will be an Iowa state certified elementary teacher. It will be happening sooner than later. Two years in the making, and now I will be done with my 2nd degree in a few months. What if I am not able to get a job right after I graduate? What if by the time the fall term comes around I don’t have my classroom? There is always substitute teaching, but I want my classroom. I want to be able to decorate the walls, and plan my lessons, and get to know the other teachers in the building. To make a stable life with a career that I love. Teaching. Educating children, and helping them grow by introducing them to exciting literature, art, fascinating science experiments and reliving the past through history. Some how in my life I made the choice to go back to school, and work towards another degree to become a teacher. I mad that choice to fill out the College of Education application, to volunteer the hours, to pay the tuition fees, to write papers and take tests….and those choices came through as one of the best decisions I have ever made in my life.
My career will change, it will begin to happen soon. I feel like I will have my feet planted on the ground, stable. I will begin to make big payments towards my student loans, I will be able to save for my future, and to plan more realistically for my future of a family and children. Those are all huge steps, and maybe today it is a little too much to think about. Instead I have been making small changes that I can handle. That aren’t too hard for me to figure out. So here is my quick fix…. changing my hair color. And here is to looking at each new change as something that is easy for me to figure out.
After what happened in the last 24 hours it makes me question if I am prepared. Am I ready for my future? I am ready for the unexpected that is going to happen, all the good and the bad? All the pretty and the ugly? How do I prepare for the future? What can my mentors do to assist me? What can I learn from their past experiences that will make my future ones better. What can we all do to make tomorrow more exceptional than today, and more outstanding than yesterday?
Studying to become a teacher I have seen a lot of situations that I wasn’t prepared for. Before I was even in the program I was volunteering in a 4th grade art room, and I had a young student who was usually out going and happy very quiet during class. Some of her friends came up to me and told me she was acting different. So I went up to this student and asked her how her day was going. Right away I could tell something was different. Her eyes gave it away. After a little bit of small talk, I asked if she would go out in the hall and chat some more with me. She agreed, so we walked out to have some privacy in the hallway. It was almost the end of class by this time, and so we just talked about the upcoming weekend, and how the weather was changing so quickly. Once class was over we were actually able to talk. I found out that there were some troubles at home, and this wasn’t the first time. How do you prepare for this? When a young student comes to you with a problem, any problem…can you keep your cool, figure out the problem and then move towards finding a solution. Or do you freeze up, show too much emotion, get too attached….and become more of the problem?
Today the country wept. I never watch the news. It is always so sad and it makes my day worse. I like reading the newspaper, then I can control how much news I take in at once. But today for some reason when I was home sitting downstairs having my cereal and coffee I thought, “Hey, I’ll put on CNN and have it on as background noise when I am doing stuff around the house.” That was at 10:30am central time. Not long after the shooting occurred. I was hooked on the station. It started out as only a few people passed away, then it moved onto about 10, then almost 20, then closer to 30. It kept getting worse and worse, and yet I couldn’t look away. It took me back to 9/11. Why is when we see something bad, or hear about it, we ask so many more questions. We are intrigued We are curious. We want details. We reread all the stories. We continue to listen to the same report over and over again. Until we think we know exactly what happened. Until we believe we have figured out any reason why it happened. Then we begin to question our own lives.
Within a few hours everyone on Facebook had their status’ about the shooting. About loving their children, calling and saying I love you. Hugging them. Spending time with them. Praying for the families at the school. We think that even though we may have no connection to anyone out at the shooting, our short status update will make a difference. This isn’t really for them, this is to comfort us. To make ourselves feel better about our own lives. To tell ourselves that today we are going to do better, we are going to make a difference, we are going to love more, smile more, be happy. I hope this is true.
It leads to me writing this post. To wondering what will change in the future as I am a teacher. What will happen in my classroom with my students in the future, will there be any new laws that will protect my students? And myself? Will I be able to do anything to be more prepared? What can I do to make a difference in my future students’ lives?
I will lay down tonight in my bed, thinking about my life. Thinking about our country. Guns. Schools. My future classroom. What can I do to prepare? Maybe tomorrow I can start by doing some simple research to make my day more productive, and then take a deep breath. I will take each step, each day one at a time and realize that if I prepare myself for the impossible, then maybe I will be ready for the possible.
until again, with love
I can not believe that one person can cause so much of an effect in my life. One incident happens and I am completely taken over with emotions. Tears fall. My feelings are hurt. Trying to move forward from it and trying to learn something from it. Sometimes it is too hard, and all you do is go to bed with tired and burning eyes.
until again, alc